Being Forgotten

Ever feel like you've been...forgotten?

Let's just be open here...this is a blog that I assume no one reads anyway, and if you're reading this and think I may be (or know for sure that I am) talking about you, well, no hard feelings.

Let's start with a few of my closest friends from high school, now in serious relationships (or at least relationships they think are serious). Back in the day, we'd lean on each other when it hurt, spend weekends together, etc. These were the ones that would have been somewhere in my top eight if Facebook were more like MySpace. And I'm fairly certain I would have been in theirs. But see, since the dawn of their relationships, they haven't really seemed interested in doing anything with me...including talking to me, period. Yeah, they'll say “hey” if we run into each other, but I'm not their boyfriend and I'm not as important. That's a little aggravating in itself, but hey, it happens, right? If they're happy, that's great. It happens to everyone eventually. Then there's my other friends who may not intentionally forget me, they just sometimes have to. My best friend who's worked all summer, and spends most of her days off with me, but those days are few and far between. There's another close friend who has had some personal drama and a lot of other things going on, who just can't. I mean, I absolutely understand both of these circumstances, but that still leaves me, well...lonely. And one of my life-long best friends, (this one is going to be a little more obvious, even though the last ones may have been, too...) who has been dating my brother for several months now. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier, because she's the only one in the world good enough for him and vice versa. And yeah, I get along with them and can hang out with both of them. But I've been in relationships and I'm not stupid and know when I'm intruding. There are more, but I don't want to write an entire novel so I'll continue.

It's like everyone I was close to has moved ahead in their life, left me behind, and I'm just kind of stuck where I am and I'm stuck there alone. Anyone else ever feel THAT kind of forgotten? It's not much fun. My initial reaction was the general sadness and depression that accompany loneliness. Many of my darkest moments, the moments where I wanted to completely give up on living, were as dark as they were because of loneliness. But I've come far enough to know better than to even come close to letting myself go there again-once you're there it takes years to come out of it, if you're lucky. My next reaction was wanting to find someone, find a relationship. You know, the first part of the relationship being all lovey and wanting to spend every moment together somehow.

Then I realized, that's why I feel like I do. That's my problem. I've gotten so dependent on PEOPLE. I mean, since the middle of May, it's been the first time in SIX YEARS that I haven't had some boy on my mind, whether it was wondering if he liked me or wishing I were with my boyfriend or crying over him, it was a continuous thing. I got over one guy by talking to another. And when one would break my heart, I would lean on one of my friends, some of the people mentioned earlier, to get me through it. I might have been lonely, but I was hardly ever actually alone.

How much stronger would I be, spiritually speaking, if I had learned to be alone six years ago rather than learning to depend on people? Where would I be as far as relationships go? I doubt I would have dealt with heartbreak after heartbreak, as I kept finding Mr. Wrong over and over again.

The thing with being alone, as Christians, anyway, is that we're never actually alone. Proverbs 18:24 tells us, “one who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (NIV). All of our worldly friends are unreliable to an extent. Whether they're willing to push you aside for a new significant other, or do all they can to be reliable but sometimes just can't, they're still unreliable. God, however, is that “friend who sticks closer than a brother.” That friend who will NEVER forget me. And, according to Deuteronomy 31:6 as well as Hebrews 13:5, he will NEVER leave me and NEVER forsake me. That's definitely more than I can say about all my “best friends 'forever'” and all those boys who insisted they were different, I was different, this time was different, they weren't gonna leave me. I haven't actually been forgotten, not entirely. God's been right here with me, all along, through every misstep I took. Too bad I didn't figure all this out six years ago, huh?

Good Vs. Coffee

Before you get the wrong idea from the title, let me make a disclaimer: I really freaking love coffee. I love smelling coffee, I love coffee when it's hot, when it's iced, when it's frozen. I love cappuccinos and lattes and flavored coffee and I love plain coffee with a little milk and sugar. The not-good coffee I'm referring to is metaphorical coffee. Read on to understand.

First semester of my college freshman year was spent at a small private school a couple of hours from home. I was lucky enough to have eight o'clock classes every morning, and my room was right next to the plaza many (loud) students would hang out all night. So, the second week of school, I started drinking coffee every morning with breakfast. Plain coffee from the cafeteria with a little French vanilla Coffee-Mate....yum. Without my morning coffee, I could not function enough to even remember my class schedule. Then, things started happening like research papers and tests at eight in the morning. I'd head to the student center, buy a Starbucks double shot or a 20 oz. cappuccino and be good to go until at least three in the morning. Most of the semester continued like this.

Then finals week happened. The Sunday night before, around 9:30 p.m. I remembered to check my student e-mail to confirm my finals schedule, etc., and had an e-mail from my music appreciation professor. Dr. Lindstrom had already made a deal with that class: paper on musical patronage in exchange for not having a final exam. I had assumed the paper would be due at 3:00 p.m. on Monday, the time the final was scheduled. Nope. It was bright and early Monday morning. Head to student center. Buy one of the really big double shots. Commence all-nighter numero uno.

I finished the paper and went to bed at 3:00 a.m.-ish. I slept until 8:00, when I got up in time to shower and head to the cafeteria for my daily coffee...two cups this time. Got back to my room, and began the tedious process of studying for my biology final. Headed to my C.I. "final" (which consisted of eating food), went and got another 20 oz. cappuccino, continued studying. By 10:00 p.m. that night, I had sixty notecards and had reduced an entire semester's notes into 5 pages. I went to a campus event all my professors had encouraged, got back at midnight, spent a while longer studying, got to bed at 1:00 a.m., got up at 6:00 a.m., got two more cups coffee, studied until my exam at 8:00, and aced it.


If this is getting redundant, keep reading. I swear I have a point.

I got back from my biology exam and began studying for my psychology exam. My desk was full of coffee cups and Starbucks bottles and cans. Oh well, studying needed to happen. Before the day was up, I had gotten another 20 oz. cappuccino from the student center, along with a Starbucks double shots can. I stayed up until 3:00 a.m. once again, but slept until 7:55. It was Wednesday, and I was starting to crash. I took and aced my psychology final, headed to the cafeteria to get a couple more cups of coffee, and went back to my dorm to start packing. I was done studying- my last final was in Comp I, and it was an editing exam. You know, finding grammar, punctuation, homonym, etc. errors. Grammar is kind of my thing and I hadn't gotten below a 95% on one of those all semester. It was time to start packing up my dorm. And time for another 20 oz cappuccino.

Strangely, though, by the time 3:00 a.m. rolled around again, I'd had two more 20 oz. cappuccinos plus some Mtn. Dew. But the caffeine wasn't doing anything. I was so tired. And, by 3:00 a.m., I had somehow only gotten one small bag packed. Instead of doing anything productive, I found myself sitting in my dorm room floor, crying like a baby. I wasn't coming back spring semester, and had to get all of my stuff out by Thursday evening. I started panicking- What was I doing leaving? I was throwing away $18,000 per year in scholarships and walking away from one of the best psychology programs I could find! All the independence I'd gained at this school, gone. All the prestige of going to a private college, gone. Somewhere around 3:30, I crawled into my messy lofted dorm room bed and slept. I didn't wake up until 12:30 the day, just in time to shower and take my comp final. I didn't need coffee. I'd gotten a decent amount of sleep and in the two hours I had between finishing my final and my ride home getting there, I packed over half of my room. I realized that besides the $18,000 per year in scholarships, I was still taking out loans. I didn't want to be a psychology major anymore. My "independence" was more loneliness than anything else. And I had never really care about prestige anyway.

See what happened there? I had only gotten 13 hours of sleep over three nights...and three very stressful nights. I had worn myself out and tried to keep my energy up with 6 cups of coffee, 4 servings of Starbucks Double Shots, a cappuccino total of 60 oz., not to mention the caffeinated sodas and tea I purposely drank with lunch and dinner every day. I had tried to successfully make it through four days of final exams and packing a room using artificial energy. I had replaced my rest with caffeine.

How often do we do that every day in our spiritual lives? Jesus commands in Matthew 11:28 that we go to Him when we are weary and He will give us rest. His burden is light! (Matt 11:29) But, when you're weary and heavy laden, what do you really turn to for rest? Maybe a friend or family member? Maybe you're like me, and turn to music? Maybe you turn to a boyfriend or girlfriend, in hopes they will help lift the burden a little? Or  maybe you turn to substances (drugs, alcohol, etc.) for "rest," for a break. Maybe, like I used the coffee to get through my literal tests, you use those things to keep you going when life tests you.

And like coffee in a literal test, those may very well get you through a test or two. But at the end of the day, those things will also leave you crying in the floor of your dorm room (metaphorically). Those things are artificial rest. Those things will only work so long before you're left questioning everything and looking for something more.

But Jesus, like actually sleeping, will give real rest. The kind where you don't need your metaphorical coffee the next day. The kind where you can get things accomplished, the kind where you can be productive and feel good. The kind where you feel revived and rejuvenated and energized rather than only being energized. So, instead of turning to whatever your metaphorical coffee is, try getting some real rest next time you're weary: call on Jesus.

Bubble Baths and Car Accidents

A few days ago I did something for my spiritual health that I've needed to do for a while.
I took a bubble bath.

Sounds silly, right? And at first I thought so, too. I thought my mind was trying to justify spending an hour in a bathtub full of berry-scented bubbles when I had other things that needed to get done.

But either way, I thought I could use the relaxation...you don't have to know me well at all to know that I worry and stress about anything and everything. So I gave in and took a bubble bath.
What's funny is, I learned things from this bubble bath. Important things that God has been trying to get through to me for a while.
First, as I soaked in the warm water, everything on my body that was dirty at began to wash away. The dirt, the sweat, the baby slobbers from my baby brother's kisses, all of it. Gone.

It would make very little sense to try and wash off the dirt and pollen I got all over my feet when I didn't wear shoes outside now. It would be silly to be concerned about the pureed green beans that got all over me while trying to feed my baby brother. All of it got washed off. How often, though, do we still worry about our "spiritual dirt" from yesterday? One time, during an alter call, someone said something along the lines of "You don't have to be pure and clean to call on God. Just like you don't need a shower when you're clean, you need one when you're dirty. Let God be that shower." All of my sins, screw-ups, and spiritual dirt from yesterday that I've spent so much time fretting over, convinced I'd fallen too far from grace to be forgiven, is washed away. 1 John 1:9 tells us that "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness" (NIV). Just like a shower or bath cleanses us from our outer dirtiness, God will cleanse us from our spiritual dirtiness. And just like all the dirt and residue that was on my skin before got washed down the drain, never again to be sin, God has washed away my sins- those stupid mistakes I made that made me feel unforgivable- and removed them from me "as far as the east is from the west" (Psalm 103:12, NIV).

The hot water did something else, too. The tension in my neck and shoulders began to relax, and I could breathe slowly and calmly for the first time in a while. And I began to relax. I quit worrying about my failed attempts at finding a job. I quit worrying about paying for the school I feel led to go to. I quit worrying about relationships, money, etc. And just relaxed. See, this is really significant for me, being the Queen of Worry and all. I worry about everything. Possibilities that don't even cross most people's minds keep me up at night. However, when I was finally relaxing, finally not worrying, I finally was able cast all my anxieties on the Lord, even the silly ones, because He loves me (1 Peter 5:7). In Matthew 6:25-34 explains that birds don't worry about what they'll eat, yet they're still fed because God cares about each one of them. But God cares about
His children- that's us- so much more than He cares about birds. God loves us enough to take care of our problems and anxieties for us, if we will only stand back, let Him work, and wait for His call to move before we move.

Of course, peace lasted as long as my life was going well. But when stressful things happened, all my anxiety began to fall back down on me. Yesterday, I managed to run my car into a ditch. It only looked like bumper damage, and I didn't have cell phone service so I had no choice but to keep driving and hope everything was okay. I made it as far as a family friend's driveway before my engine overheated. Apparently, I had damaged more than my bumper. I spent the evening worrying about insurance going up, not having a vehicle for a while, wondering if I'd ever quit being scared to drive again, etc. I woke up this morning sore and achy from both the jolt of the car hitting the ditch and the tension in my body as I frantically made phone calls after the engine overheated. I was frazzled this morning. I couldn't find my shoes, my purse wasn't where I left it last night. What in the world am I going to do about finding a job and how much is my insurance going to go up, all that.
It's so easy to talk about peace and not worrying when life is easy. What about when it's hard? What about when things go wrong? What happens then?

That's when you're tested. I'm not sure if God intended for me to run into that ditch to to test me so that I may "come forth as gold" (Job 23:10, NIV) or to maybe save me from a worse accident later or something along those lines, or if Satan was trying to attack me and start my worrying again. Either way, I can see now how God's hand was on me the whole time. On that particular road, there are many, many places where going off the road means rolling down a huge, steep hill. But I just ran into a ditch. And houses there are few and far between, but I broke down right in front of the driveway of one of my pastor's daughters, whom I've known since birth. God protected me then. And what's amazing serving my God is knowing that he will protect me in the future. No matter what happens, I can know that God will take care of me here on Earth, up until the day He calls me home. And I have nothing to worry about.